Wednesday, April 9, 2014

20 Romantic Birthday Messages

The internet is full of terrible advice. Here's some. I bring to you "the best collection of romantic birthday messages that you can use"

You probably won't be surprised to hear that are in fact the worst birthday messages that you should never, ever use.

"Try these romantic birthday wishes and messages for your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife and fiancée and make them love you even more."

These are genuine suggestions for 'romantic birthday messages that I just had to share. Here they are:

"Happy birthday to the one without whom my life is incomplete"
Too many double negatives. I don't know whether you love me, or wish I would piss off and die.

"A small message will remind you of my love for you and desire for you to be happy"
Is this the small message? It sucks. 

"I draw a circle around you, Not a heart, Because a heart can break, But a circle goes on forever"
When do you draw a circle around me? When?

"I love you but I do not dare to say, I tried to hide it , but now it's your birthday, I hope you accept my heart as a gift"
Seriously? Not even some socks?

"I wish you a year full of minutes …"
You wish me what now?

"I’d like to wish a very special birthday to a very special person"
Go on then. Who?

"I’ll be seeing you sooner than you thought. Happy Birthday love!"
Change the locks. Change them now.

"On your birthday I give you: A basket full of wishes, A bucket full of love, And a box filled with happiness. Congratulations sweetie"

"Our life is like a flower our love is the honey… Happy birthday sweety!"
Your are like a moron, you are also now single.... Good luck weirdo!

"The gifts I have given you, do not manage to convey 1/4th of my feelings for you. Happy birthday"
Buy better presents then, and learn to use commas.

"The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the trees are swaying, all to wish you a happy birthday!"

"May you live 100 years and each year has 1000 days"

"There's a special day in the year, a day when we want to show you how great it is to share life with you"
This is ambiguous. Which day? Who is 'we'?

"Today I will give you a card, gifts, hugs, kisses, and a lot more for my lovely wife. Why? Because it's her birthday"
Are you talking about her or to her? BTW you really need to work on your dirty talk.

"Today the sun forgot to rise. He was too busy… thinking about how to shine the best light for a very special day: your birthday"
Both you, and the sun, are idiots.

"When you blow out the candles on your cake do not forget to make a wish. Ask what more you want, ask for it in your heart and it will be fulfilled. I know that will come true because on my birthday I asked you to be happy"
Well now you did it doofus. It won't come true now that you've told everyone.

"You are brighter than the sun, calmer than the ocean and cuter than the boy next door. I love you"
Sorry, what!? Brighter than the sun, you say? Calmer than the ocean? Cuter than WHO?

"You yell at times and you lose your mind. You get wild and you throw a fit too. But all that is excused because today is dedicated especially to you!"
Sounds like you're annoying to live with

"Birthdays are meant to remind us that, one way or another, we all win in life. We can only hope that a person of your value gets a "jackpot" of happiness and well deserved success during the next year"
That's deep, man. Real deep.

"...And wait till you see how we celebrate this with a big kiss and very special hug"
If this isn't a hug with a happy ending I think we'll all be disappointed.

Friday, February 28, 2014

#100 Happy Days

If you don't follow me on Facebook or Twitter then (apart from WHY NOT?) you won't know that I'm currently in the midst of a 100 Happy Days 'challenge'. 

The premise, in a nutshell, is that every day you take one teensy picture of something that made you happy.

You say "Day 1 - blahblah - #100happydays" (yes, unfortunately a hashtag is necessary) then you carry on with your day.

It doesn't matter what your overall day was like, or if it was a day of nothing much in particular... The picture does't have to sum the whole day up. Just find one thing that made you happy - there's always something - and take a picture of it.

Easy peasy Japanesey

The point? I don't know. Just to be right where you are for a minute and recognise that the moment is making you happy when you might otherwise have glossed right over it. Eventually, you probably realise that everything is actually fantastic and hopefully start complaining a little less.  If you start realising everything is not fantastic, er... either try harder at realising that it is, or know that you are responsible for creating your own happy moments and SORT IT OUT (jeez).  

Well anyway some people aren't into such things as self improvement and whatnot (already perfect?) but I at least have found, just 30 or so days in, that I am already well on the way to becoming a happier, more grateful person than I already was. So there.

Apart from that, it's fun.

In conclusion: You should, absolutely, do it too. Sign up here: 

Anyone following me will notice that I'm having considerable trouble counting and keeping track of which day I'm on.  I don't know if there's a solution for me other than Be Less Ridiculous. Pretty sure no one else would have these issues.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

24 Hours

This is a poem about Valentine's Day and stuff (as it's imminent). If you do happen to get to the end and think "that was alright", then please go here:
And 'like' it.
That would be lovely.

PS This is only very loosely based on true events, so chill your beans.

24 Hours

I met Tyler when I was just four,
He was, quite literally, the boy next door.
The summer was long, the pavements scorched,
It was swings and sandpits and games on the porch,
Transformers, hopscotch, sprinklers, bikes,
Ice pops, trees, mosquito bites.
Our tiny knees were dirty and bruised,
We smooshed fat caterpillars until they oozed.
Another life, a time of joy.
I wonder what happened to that boy.

Timothy was an inexplicable crush.
At seven years old he made me flush,
Just by walking past, or joking with a friend.
I'd decided that our love would transcend.
So I went home and told my mum,
She must have known this day would come.
We sat in the kitchen and made a start,
At a Valentine's card that would melt his heart.
The day finally came, I gave the card to him:
He looked at it, then me, and dropped it in the bin.

Later on, aged eleven, I met a boy called Mark,
This time I'd wait for him to make the first remark.
Finally he whispered a message for my friend to transmit,
She came over and told me "Mark thinks you're fit".
I flirted a bit - but not too much. I waited ,
Finally he pulled me close, my breath was bated.
"With tongue?" he asked and I called him a pervert,
But he tried anyway, and it didn't hurt.
All in all, it was hit and miss,
But there it was, my very first kiss.

Then love hit me between the eyes,
This boy was my sun and moon and sky.
Harry and I had met at school
We were best friends, and it was cool.
My heart was full like a fat kid's belly,
He made me feel like rainbows, and kittens, and jelly.
But we were very up and down
We both cheated, we both acted the clown.
No one knew if we'd be on or off each day,
And I wasn't too surprised when he turned out to be gay.

Just after school, I met Matt.
In a pub, we kissed, we had a chat,
We travelled, we drank, we smoked, we lived,
We talked about when we'd have kids.
Time went by and life moved on,
Uncertainty and passion were long gone;
But in its place was love and we knew what was ahead,
We did the obvious thing, and wed.
Unfortunately, we'd long ago run our course,
And with great regret, we got divorced.

Life and love weren't what I'd expected
My heart and mind were disconnected.
My past and my misconceptions that bound me,
Were blown out of the water, when again - love found me.
It feels as though everything has come together,
For richer or poorer, whatever the weather.
I might be wrong, and never say never,
But I think this guy is the one - forever.
But more to the point, over and above,
I've learnt some things about this thing called love:

Love isn't perfect, it isn't a show
It isn't always forever, but when you know, you know.
Choose February 14th or choose any 24 hours,
Make a date, send some flowers,
Call me old fashioned, my view may be slanted,
But loved ones should never be taken for granted.
Show your friends, your family, your beau, and your cat,
That you utterly love them, and that is that.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Here are my resolutions for 2014

Well last year I was supposed to spend a few months in India, get skinny, and write a novel.

Instead, I didn't go on holiday anywhere warm, I gained weight, and I basically wrote nothing. 

I also lost a couple of friends last year, oh God, not to death or anything... just in the usual way (!) ...but it's not for lack of trying, and it's good to know when to cut loose.

It was far from a fruitless year though - I started the year planless and restless and have ended it determined and peaceful. I also got my eyes lasered, I learned lots of grown up stuff, I saved some money, I've got the best friends, the best boyfriend, and all day I feel all warm and full of gooey love.

That sounds wrong.

So now that I've found my feet, I'm ready for 2014. Here are my resolutions:

  1. Find a good home for my beloved wedding dress
  2. Buy a house OR don't buy a house and go travelling - one of the two... or both would be nice... definitely not neither.
  3. Sort out the ol' work situation
  4. Make exercise an actual, regular, established habit
  5. Watch less TV
  6. Never drink enough to give me a hangover (this one will be a challenge as, nowadays, 3 drinks give me a hangover)
  7. Get to a level of French where I'm not too scared to go to the French-speaking Meetup group
  8. Meditate and do yoga again
  9. Eat less meat
  10. Complete the 5-minute plank challenge (I got half-way and then went on holiday and kind of abandoned my attempt at a full-body-shaking 2 minutes)

This is an extract from prayer that was offered by the Plum Village fourfold sangha as part of the midnight ceremony to mark the dawn of the New Year 2014

Dear Mother Earth, Dear Father Sun and Dear Ancestors, tonight, on the occasion of the New Year 2014, we give rise to the deep aspiration to begin anew, to go in a new direction and request your forgiveness for all our mistakes. With great respect we make the deep aspiration to live mindfully each moment of our daily life. We promise to stop running away from our suffering, losing ourselves in consumption. We promise to come home to ourselves with compassion, to recognize, embrace and look deeply into our suffering. We promise to take refuge in you, dear Mother Earth, and your capacity to nourish, heal and embrace all that is. We promise to offer our true presence to our beloved ones and not to get too busy, striving for success – even in pursuit of our dreams. We know that we can realize our dreams in every moment, and we vow to live every day of 2014 as a realization of our dream. We know that time is not money. Time is life, and time is love. We promise to live simply, to love one another with non-discrimination.

Friday, December 20, 2013

What 2013 has taught me

10 things I've learnt in 2013
  1. Never go to another room (particularly up or down stairs) without taking something with you that belongs in it. You will never have to actually spend time tidying your house again.
  2. The Sainsburys Basics range is incred
  3. Some people are secretive. Don't be like them. If you must be like them, don't get all uppity when people wonder what in bleeding blazes you're up to
  4. Luck is a beautiful thing and when you expect it, it appears all everywhere nthat. Magical.
  5. It's impossible to read all the books, but give it a reasonable shot
  6. There is so much free art, music, and other amazing things to see and do in Oxford every day I never knew about, it's ridiculous. Did you hear me say free? 
  7. There are few greater joys than a biscuit dunked in tea
  8. I now know how to check and refill the oil in my car
  9. Learnt all about love, innit.
  10. Drink with utmost fear and respect

Thursday, December 19, 2013

RSVP or die

I send out lots of invitations to people to come and spend time with me. I do it because I love my friends more than I love anything else really... *thinks* yeah, anything. Even myself.

On that basis, the following responses are somewhat irksome:

  • Declining with no response. 
If that were real life: 

"Oh hey I'd love for you to come over to dinner next week"


  • 'Leaving the conversation' without saying anything 
If that were real life: 
"Oh hey I'd love for you to come over to dinner next week....

                                                             ...hey where are you go-? 
                                                                                      ...Oh ok then. Bye." 
  • Declining by saying "ohhh I'm soooo sorrrryyyy..." 
This one's difficult as the invitee clearly means well, but their response is nonetheless unsatisfactory as it leaves the inviter feeling like a massive saddo.
Like I'm the needy friend while they are totally fine and happy without me and my silly invitation.
"Sorrrrryyyy hunnn lolz poor you wahhh"
NO. You're the one that should be sorry, you're the one with the inferior plans. YOU lose.

I'm fine. 

  • Never coming to anything, never responding, and then whining that they no longer get invited to things.

You're a tit.

Pretty sure I have done all of the above myself, btw.

What have we all learnt?

RSVP or die, infidel!

Monday, November 11, 2013

Up yours, diet

This blog won't mention weight loss again (unless it all goes wrong and I get scary-fat).

I realised what's not working... what's not working is being ashamed, making myself feel guilty for eating, telling myself I'm fat, unattractive, and worse. What's not working is giving myself the shittest of possible goals:

"Just be hungry until you are thin and then struggle forever in a cycle of unsuccessful diets that will ultimately make you feel like a failure but at least you'll be skinny for about a third of the time"

Oh ok, yeah fun, hand me a doughnut.

What I'll doing instead is exercising - a lot, practising being mindful, living in the moment, knowing what my goals are, enjoying life, enjoying food, and loving every last bit of my lovely, healthy, body.

(as everyone should)


Absolutely gorgeous Plus Size models posing for Glamour magazine

A great Tumblr to follow if you want to be a model: New Faces

If you catch me doing otherwise, please give me a slap.

I've been working on some stuff lately, and I think life is about to do amazing things.